<<13.11.09 9:08 a.m.>>
fueled by a generic nyqui1 haze

boooo.

i’ve been sick since monday, and the illness shows no signs of abating. womanly processes seem to be intensifying as weaning nears completion. young a. is increasingly clingy; and 90-percent of the time, it’s just me and her. (“her and me”? definitely not “her and i.” i edit things, which i probably shouldn’t be doing.) she is currently protesting nap, and i only half hear her, because beach house is traveling out the laptop speakers into my ears, which aren’t operating as they should.

i’m fighting feelings that much resemble my mother’s in summertimes of yore, when she’d work full time, and my dad (teacher) and i would be off and transform into twin layabouts. she couldn’t restrain her anger about the fact that we wouldn’t take the initiative to pick up around the house; and now i bear that same burden. the folks in my domain do jack shit unless asked. d. will say he does things without being asked; and it’s true. he does the dishes and occasionally will scrub something. but generally, if the basins are washed or the floor is mopped or the dust is dusted, it’s me doing it, operating during a sliver of time when a. is not yelling at me. it feels so filthy in here; and i think it feels that much filthier because i’m sick and feel gross. and i realize it isn’t as bad as it seems. when most people come round, and i haven’t had a chance to do a full tidy, they say the place looks clean. but you know. *i* know that the bathroom sink is clogged. AGAIN! and i know that people are spitting their mouth gunk into the kitchen sink, which makes me want to vomit. and i feel like i could clean that thing 20 times a day, and it’d still be wretched.

meanwhile, a. continues to cry, and i’m beginning to hear her now. but hark! silence? no. (never type such a thing, silly.)

before i go pick her up, i want to pass on a couple words of which i’ve become quite fond: avesperate (variation of my favorite, favorite word, vespertine); garbist; and apricity.

until a later, happier moment...

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